Ah, Amsterdam, the city that never sleeps except when it gets too fucked up and ends up paying €50 to sleep with a 17 year old. I have a real love/hate relationship with this city, thanks in part to the dutch way of life, but also thanks to the fact that I've been visiting the city for work for at least 1 month a year for the last 11 years, in addition to weekend breaks and stag parties, giving me a real weary sense of the novelty wearing off. Plus the dutch are a fucking crazy race. No customer service skills whatsoever, stupid laws whereby a lunatic can sideswipe your car on the motorway and you have to pull over to give him your insurance details despite the fact that the guy is obviously completely dangerously insane, and a general workforce so slow you wonder that if the country was not part of Europe would it simply curl up and die. But i still love them, like a kid brother with downs.
These days the Dam is a lot different to the nihlistic Adult Disneyland of years past. First of all the smoking ban has had a HUGE impact on the coffeeshops and bars. The law states that no tobacco should be smoked indoors (just like UK) except in coffeshops where they've set up "smoking zones" where people who like to mix baccy in with their weed (tourists) can smoke in glass, sealed rooms with huge extractor fans buzzing away. It is about as far removed from the chilled out relaxed vibe Amsterdam coffeeshops used to offer as you can get. If you smoke pure spliffs, you can still do so outside of these smoking zones with the owners permission. But hardly anyone does, so when I did this year I was alone and bored. In addition, working laws have restricted how the ho's work down in the red light so there's way less on display down there for the window shopper, and the credit crunch has forced prices up for the more proactive perverts amongst us. At least the Cassa Rosso's "Microwave Fanny" is still going strong, just watch your step: i put my air force 1 in a puddle of someone else's spunk last year.
But anyway, that ain't me. These days, I prefer to bounce through the nearest coffeeshop to pick up a couple of weeks supply and then smoke elsewhere. I don't fuck anything I have to pay, so I tend to spend my time in Amsterdam in some more Grown Man estabilishments. Here's my Top 5:
5. Zebra Lounge. You may need local Dutch accompanyment to get you in here as they don't like tourists, but it's worth the effort. Fucking hot to def chicks, decent music and swanky decor with drinks prices to match ensure there's not a British stag party in sight.
4. Suzi Wong's. Just outside of the touristy Leidseplein area is this trendy cocktail bar. I like it's oriental stylings and bamboo jungle, and the house cocktails are delicious and well presented. The music was a bit trendy-lounge-house-by-numbers but still, it was inobtrusive and me and the group of friends I was with could chill back and chat.
3. Boom! Chicago. A comedy club in Leidseplein, these guys run daily shows of their Who's Line Is It Anyway style improv. Amazingly funny and up-to-the-minute relevent, this mix of US and NL comics are neon to the heart. Beer by the pitcher, food and little football goals in the urinal for you to piss into complete the night.
2. Houten Klaas. A little drive south outside of Amsterdam down the A4 will bring you to Badhoevedorp, a tiny suburb that features two fantastic restaurants. One of which is this brasserie. I had a nigh on perfect vegetable soup to start, a fresh sea food platter for my main followed by this crepe/ice cream/brandy desert that was the food equivilent of fucking Megan Fox. In a word: dope.
1. Planet Rock. Don't hate, this little heavy metal bar is my favourite place in the Dam now that Fat Beats with it's fantastic downstairs instores is gone. Located just outside the Red Light District this place is tiny but packs a punch by way of the loudest/clearest soundsystem you'll find in a bar of this size anywhere in the world. Playing a selection of rock vids and live concert dvds on the multiple big screens, time your visit right to catch classic concerts played so loud, you'll feel like you were there. Indeed, I watched Metallica's S&M concert last week over a few beers, and then after a quick spliff break, watched AC/DC's Stiff Upper Lip tour. The beers are a round €5 a pint, the signed donated guitars are a good look and the staff are very very nice (fit).
So enjoy. Or get wasted on jagermeister and sour diesel and subsequently get pissed on by a dwarf in a gimp mask while a fat thai woman wanks you off. Like Black Sheep said, the choice is yours.
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